Rape Survivor and Activist Dr. Cheryl Saban Reveals the Secret to Self-Esteem

It took her more than 30 years to find her sense of empowerment, and now that she has it, Dr. Saban is teaching others how to achieve personal power.

I've been a victim and survivor of rape, marginalized by divorce and faced the challenges of being a single working mother who couldn't afford health care. I was so far down, that I doubted my own worth. Life seemed particularly unfair.

But as author and TV host Dennis Wholey once said, "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." There is no fairness doctrine. Once I figured out that I needed to take more responsibility for my own happiness and sense of well-being, my life changed. Unfortunately, it took me more than 30 years to arrive at this realization. And though I'm currently taking more responsibility for my sense of empowerment, I owe a debt of gratitude to the act of kindness that finally turned my light on. Now I'm trying to help other girls and women rediscover their self-worth too.

Self-worth, by definition, should emanate from within. But the cues we receive from society - our upbringing, cultural mores and the media - play a heavy-handed part in establishing it. We tend to look outside of ourselves for a reflection of whom we should be, what we should do, how we fit in and what we're worth. I know now that the looking glass I was using was skewed. As a young girl, and even a young woman, I got mixed messages about whom I could or could not be, and lacked sufficient tools to untangle them.

Some of the pitfalls I encountered along my rocky road contributed to my insecurities. I became fearful, powerless and worse - silent. I lacked belief in myself, and doubted my validity. I didn't think my opinions counted for much, didn't have a strong sense of esteem or personal power and imagined that this was just the way it was going to stay.

Though I know there are few absolutes, change is probably the only thing we can really count on. All I can say is, thank God for that, because one of the "aha" moments that helped me regain my self-esteem occurred after I reluctantly went to a free clinic for medical care. The doctors inside treated me with respect and compassion despite my circumstances. I walked through the clinic's door with zero self-worth, but the attending physicians never saw me as worthless. Basically, they threw me a lifeline - and luckily, I had the presence of mind to grab it.

I'm not sure why this simple act of kindness had such an impact on me, but it did. I began to realize that I was more than my financial problems, more than what the outside world reflected back to me and much more than I gave myself credit for. But it also became crystal clear that in order for me to project my authentic and totally worthy self, I had to take more responsibility for it. Once I did, I was able to speak up and expose a positive inner strength. This attitude change contributed to a totally different outlook on life - one that held possibilities despite difficulties. One where I was a significant player in my own game of life, rather than "atmosphere" in someone else's.

I know that women continue to face seemingly insurmountable challenges, and I'm not minimizing them. We're barraged with images and ideas about how women should look and behave from countless sources. Women (and our body parts) sell everything from food to cars. Little girls are exposed to sexual innuendo way before they understand anything about it, and are overstimulated with endless media hype about body type, breast size and what they need to do to be beautiful, helpful, alluring, sexy - to fit into an impossible-to-attain ideal.

It's no wonder that ten million women in the United States suffer from anorexia and bulimia, and that women are almost twice as likely as men to suffer from depression. The statistics about the status of women and girls worldwide are staggeringly dismal and we must work to change them. However, without a strong sense of self-worth, personal power and validity, it is difficult to change your life for the better - to be courageous enough to speak truth to power and to challenge the status quo.

Difficult, yes - but not impossible. We have plenty of female role models. But if the first step is awareness, the next is action. We need to support each other in the acknowledgment of our innate worth, and the expression of our personal empowerment. As it stands now, less than ten percent of all philanthropic dollars go to support women. I'm doing my part to change that. I'm committed to making a difference for women and children, by donating to women's funds and projects. Sometimes all it takes is a simple act of kindness to "turn the light on" in someone's life. At least it will help illuminate a new direction. It's a start.