Finding the Goddess in all of us

What woman hasn't questioned her value, her contributions, her life. We all have and now there's a new book coming your way that's a must-have for you and your loved ones to help shift these kinds of negative thoughts.

Dr. Cheryl Saban's What is Your Self Worth is a transformative guide and "call to action" for women everywhere to examine how society perceives them, how they perceive themselves, and how women can adopt a positive mind-set. Dr. Saban, a psychologist, philanthropist, and family advocate, reveals the simple yet powerful truth about a woman's self-worth via painstaking research and by divulging her own personal life-challenges and triumphs--Saban was raped when she was 18; married for the first time at 20, a mother at 21, again at 23, and divorced for the first time at 25. She struggled with the concept of her own worth, and she brings that emotion and knowledge to the forefront in her work. After a second failed marriage, she eventually met and married Haim Saban, with whom she had two more children, and has been happily married to for 20 years. Here, DAME contributor Juliette Dominguez talks to Dr. Saban about what triggered her to write this book.

What made you realize you should be an advocate for women?

"I think it organically happened. I'm in a position in life now where I can call the shots, I'm in control, and I have blessings beyond my wildest imaginations--and I have to take responsibility for putting myself there. And I struggled with the concept of self-worth for the first thirty-odd years of my life. I'd had some difficult experiences in my life-such as being raped when I was 18--that contributed to my being insecure and having self-doubt. Each of these issues were exacerbated by how the police handled that rape inquiry; they made me feel as if I'd brought it upon myself. Despite that hurdle, I became a survivor long before I realized I had survived it, and I knew I had to keep going with one foot in front of the other. But the experience colored how I dealt with men for a long time, such as feeling like there was an imbalance of power, and I was fearful of being criticized by men, something I still battle with. I also had a series of dysfunctional relationships; I was in love with my first husband, who was the father of my two oldest daughters, but we were both young, and I didn't have a sense of who I was before I got married. So there wasn't this chance for me to develop my unique individuality and have a voice that was my own. I was just an adjunct player in somebody else's life. It took me a long time to get out of that role."

What was the turning point in your life?

"I suspect my turning point began in my early thirties. I had two little girls and the onus was on me to give them a different life; I didn't want them to replicate what had been going on for me. I had tried to protect them from the fighting between their father and me, and the ugly, intricate dance that goes on between two people who are no longer in love and are busy hurting each other. But children are very perceptive, and they feel it all. At some point I realized I can't have this kind of life for my kids. I hit a low-point. I was a single working mom existing paycheck to paycheck and unable to afford health insurance. I had a chronic illness and as it worsened, I had to seek help. The only option was a free clinic, and I felt humiliated that I had to do that-I was working and I didn't want to have to take public assistance. I was really frustrated. Yet when I was seen by the doctors, they didn't see me as worthless, even though that's how I felt about myself. They treated me as a normal person and with respect, and that I was just as valuable and valued as anyone else. That was an 'Aha' moment for me, when I considered that maybe I was contributing to my own downfall by not being who I knew I could be and taking responsibility for my well-being and my happiness. After that, I started waking up with a smile and realizing that although I couldn't change the facts in my life, I could change the way I thought about those facts. That change in perception and attitude started lifting me out of the darkness.

After your 'Aha' moment, did you realize what you wanted to pass onto your daughters and breaking the legacy of your own upbringing?

"Absolutely. And I don't blame my parents, I think each generation is doing the best they can with the tools they've got. Part of the message of my book is to teach our youth these life-lessons young, and not expect them to glean it automatically. I wanted my daughters to see that I was not only going to survive, I was going to be a powerful force in my own right no matter what place in the food chain I happened to be on. It's not dependent on having a lot of money or material things. It's really dependent on being happy in your own skin and enjoying yourself for who you are, and not having to constantly measure yourself by somebody else's guidelines. Self-worth is something I feel very strongly about, and I have the ability to make a significant difference in the lives of other women--and I am determined to do that. The most important thing a woman can do to improve her self-worth is to honestly accept herself; lovingly and without judgment of her body size or her financial situation. You are worth the effort. And when you can realize that, you can reach out to others."

An excerpt from What Is Your Self-Worth? A Woman's Guide to Validation

*********

Into the Hearts and Minds of Women

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The journey I began by writing What Is Your Self-Worth? allowed me visitation rights into the hearts and minds of hundreds of incredible women from all over the world. I found that questions about our worth loom large: Are we generally considered as worthy as men? Is everything just peachy as far as we're concerned? Have we as a gender achieved our long-sought-for equality, or do we still tend to be thought of as objects? Does the world acknowledge our substance or value? Are we second-class citizens meant to do the bidding of others? Are we given the respect and attention we deserve?

These are not new queries. Textbooks in gender-studies classes are filled with statistics and research data describing the complicated history of a woman's sense of worth and personal power. Yet although the questions aren't new, the answers aren't easy either. It seems that women continue to face the challenge of expressing and accessing a sense of self-esteem, and the answers to questions such as "How do you define your worth?" are nuanced by time, place, and culture.

As I sought to answer these questions for myself, I began to ask friends and relatives to share their opinions as well. I was so energized by the comments and emotional stories I heard that I posted a questionnaire on my website (www.cherylsaban.com) and invited women from global cyberspace to participate. I was treated to a windfall of sometimes poignant but always inspiring experiences. The hundreds of replies I received came from women from several countries and ethnicities, all walks of life, and varying economic brackets; and the respondents graciously agreed to share their personal stories and insight with you.

The questions I posed to them were as follows:

What makes a woman worthy?

What defines your personal worth?

Can you recall an experience in your life that really made you feel your own worth?

What would you want the youth of today (both daughters and sons) to know about a woman's worth?

Have you always known that you were worthwhile, or did you need to learn it to experience it; that is, to work for it to earn it?

Many of the revealing and thought-provoking stories I received are contained in a section at the end of each chapter of this book, under the heading "Wisdom from Your Peers." While you might recognize the names of some famous respondents, such as Jamie Lee Curtis, Diane von Furstenberg, and Mary Steenburgen, most of the participants will be unknown to you.

As you read their comments you may notice that some identifying statistics are missing, and you may think that I made a mistake or inadvertently left out pertinent information. Don't be alarmed - I'm aware of the discrepancies. The questionnaire was constructed in such a way as to allow those who replied total or partial anonymity if they so desired. While it provided an option to disclose place of birth and profession, these items weren't mandatory. Some women filled in their first names only, some stated an occupation, and others left some or all of the personal-identification lines blank. While my research for this book doesn't fit the parameters, nor meet the standards required, for bona fide scientific research, the results are nevertheless compelling. It's interesting to note the profession or country of origin of some of the respondents, but it isn't necessary to appreciate the content. I guarantee that all of the comments and stories will resonate. You're going to read about women just like yourself, but you'll also have the chance to peer through a unique window into the experiences of those who live existences that are very different from yours. And I invite you to participate, as hundreds of other women have, by considering the questions and personal-assessment exercises that appear throughout this book.

Working with This Book

I've constructed What Is Your Self-Worth? to tackle the main themes or domains of a woman's life. At the end of each chapter I've included several additional segments, which essentially comprise a personal workbook - the action items for you to work on and periodically refer back to. These include:

- Personal tasks, which ask you to focus on specific elements of your life.

- Wisdom from your peers, which, as previously mentioned, are stories and comments gleaned from hundreds of women responding to my online questionnaire.

- Journal questions, which are a few suggested inquiries to jump-start your personal inquiry, help you get closer to your "inner you," and ultimately acknowledge your self-worth.

- Self-worth affirmations, which are a series of positive statements developed using the acronym W.O.R.T.H.: Wisdom, Optimism, Responsibility, Tenacity, and Honesty.

By design, there are no specific rules for the personal tasks and journal questions at the end of each chapter. I purposely interspersed the subject matter of these segments throughout the book, usually relating them to the current chapter subject, but not always. The idea is to inspire a holistic reflection on your part. Taking a breather at the end of each chapter to pause and reflect on conditions of worth, as well as on your life experiences thus far, is an important part of the overall experience of this book.

It's important that you take the time to write down your thoughts and investigate your feelings in a journal. As many women have shared with me, the exercise of putting pen to paper is surprisingly fulfilling and personally revealing. How you answer these questions for yourself may inspire a new perspective for you; after all, your life is a personal journey.Although you might find yourself struggling with the answers to the questions I pose about worth, do yourself a favor and ponder them anyway. What is your personal currency? I'll explain the context within which I use currency in more detail in later chapters, but to be clear, please note that I'm not referring to a monetary equivalent to who you are; instead, I'd like to know the sense of power, esteem, and validity you assign to yourself. Your personal currency is what you use to move about in this world - it's how you relate to others, along with how you impact the environment you function in.

Recognition and awareness of your own worth, innate value, and potential will help you align with the greater collective. Such a group effort will give rise to a new global mind-set that promotes and celebrates women rather than stratifies, stereotypes, and oppresses us. The goal for this collaboration and the wisdom of our collective experience is to illuminate those suppressed and obscured facets of our individual identities - our essence. In other words, let's work together to reveal the worth that's there, whether the light is on or not.

***

Ultimately, this book is a testimony to the endurance of women. It's part recovery, part guidance system, and part journal, with the end result being a sense of satisfaction. We know what we're worth, and each and every one of us has the ability to define, expose, and append what that is.

Now it's up to you to pass the torch. Your female friends and family members need to understand that they are worthwhile and valuable because of who and what they are inside. And the men in your life need to get this message, too. It is long overdue. The material within these pages is meant to provide at least three things: a window, a breeze, and a set of wings. The window is for you to look through - both forward and back - to visualize what you and I and other women like us have done, said, and felt about the subject of our worth and where such disclosures might lead. This window is a safe vantage point: you can view a few episodes of my personal saga and witness what many other female predecessors have experienced without tumbling onto the same rocky section of the road. The breeze is to calm your soul; to refresh your memory of the moments in time that most exhilarated you - those profound experiences that caused you to breathe in satisfaction. This metaphorical breeze is there to elevate you, fill you with more oxygen, awaken you, lift you up, and perhaps even free you. The set of wings is whimsical, but imagine them anyway. Use them to fly through your memories; to make peace with your past; and to take a broader, more global look at your life. Humor yourself, and allow your wings to take you where you want to go. Use the questions posed in these pages to flesh out your inner feelings-to become the historian of the life you've chosen. As you fly, no matter when or where you embarked on your own travels, remember to tell yourself how worth it you are... because baby, you are the one who's in charge of establishing it, and you are the one who needs to endorse it and project it.

Women from all over the world described to me what worth means to them-how they realize it, achieve it, wish for it, or find it. Women of all ages, from all walks of life, and from all socioeconomic backgrounds have a say in the collective definition of female worth, and though it's clear that we've generally been defined by a male-dominated zeitgeist, the truth about our worth prevails. Every single one of us has a stake in redefining it-we decide the narrative we're going to share and then leave behind.

The truth about self-worth essentially distills down to a sense of personal currency -that is, personal power, personal responsibility, and personal respect. Within these pages you'll find the path; the method; the criteria; and the syllabus for assessing, projecting, and celebrating your own worth. Heed it. Own it. Do it.

We women must take our seats at the proverbial roundtable, for we'll need to be an equal part of society's dialogue in order to achieve that status. Perhaps then, when the truth about our worth and validity is out of the bag, we'll finally be able to persuade our global society to grow up.

"Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment."- Lao-tzu